Looking back

The truth is, I do not know exactly where to start.

I have quite a bunch of stories to tell but I do not know which one should I tell first.

Anyway, this morning I was walking home from the market when I thought of something. Yeah, perhaps it is the best way to start this blog.

You see, my path to here and now wasn’t smooth. It was forked, had many crossroads and U-Turns that along the way I almost gave up already.

I smoked, I drank till the wee hours, I partied endlessly and although I thought I had faith in my Creator, I never once thought of nurturing that “faith”. Hence, it was always easy to fall into temptation and doing so is like second-skin. It all comes naturally, like a smooth flight and an even smoother landing… There were days I’d just wake up feeling restless and discontented and at times like that, I would simply max out my bank account or splurge what little money I have left on clothes, shoes and knick knacks. I have always thought that shopping for things I don’t really need was the cure to the emptiness I was feeling inside. I always regarded it as a balm, some type of ointment that eased the gnawing pain, well, I would have to say it is, albeit temporarily. It never really, completely healed me though. For a while I would be okay again, I would go back to partying, of course in between I never really stopped smoking and drinking, I would work and socialize with colleagues but I always made sure I had time for my night outs. I was always loyal to that part of my social life and it was something I felt I could never give up. And when things would nosedive again, I would resort to the same pattern, shop, purchase useless things and drink until I’d almost pass out in drunkenness. It was a vicious cycle. An ugly sight, yet I thought I was happy with that old self of mine.

For more than fifteen years, I was a smoker. I was in my sophomore year in high school when I was introduced to the vice. Back then I thought it was the coolest thing to do, it was also the same year I had my first drop of alcohol. Since then, I developed the habit and never really thought about quitting. I even justified my actions by saying that everyone in my family smoked, firsthand, and to stop would aggravate my chances of getting sick because I will be smoking second hand which is even more dangerous.

Of course my parents didn’t know until I turned eighteen. When everything was practically “legalized” already. I was so excited to turn eighteen then because I can finally come out in the open and Dad wouldn’t mind. Moreso when I started working. I became even bolder with my actions, I didn’t care who saw me smoking, partying and drinking.

I guess it would be easy to say that I was young and stupid. I have used that as an excuse for most of my life. Now, I am thirty one and I could not even begin to mouth the words for they sound so shallow and untrue. The truth is, I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I did it anyway, because I wanted to.

It took me sixteen years before I had the strength to kick off the habit. It wasn’t easy, but it was well worth it. The next blog post will detail my struggle to stop smoking and drinking as well as the inspiration behind it.  Meanwhile, its time for me to cook lunch…

Silence

Warren and I live an extraordinary lifestyle, we both work at home, different clients but same shift. He has his own office, I use the kitchen island for my own space. When we are both immersed in work, we don’t talk, we don’t even try and look what the other was doing. Everything around us is as still and quiet as the breaking of early dawn. The only sounds we hear are the tapping of our keyboards and Warren’s iTunes songs.

We feel blessed to have been gifted with such lifestyle, not only because we get to avoid daily commutes and corporate bureaucracy. We also get to enjoy the silence which we oftentimes seize to commune with the Lord in prayer even as we work.

In times as such, I refrain from asking from the Lord, instead I pray in thanksgiving, because I know He knows what I need and want, and He will give me what I deserve. Just like He does everyday…

A Series of Unfortunate Events

Our trip to Palawan was far from perfect, since we preferred not to use guided tours and to explore the place at random, we also went through a number of ugly experiences.

Day 1 – Since my cousin offered to help us find a good accomodation, I was confident that it will be easier for us to settle once we get to Puerto Princesa. I received instructions the night before on how to get to the hotel that was reserved for us so upon arrival at the airport, we rode a tricycle to take us to Irenea’s. I was expecting a decent enough location, but it turned out to be an inn with a gay bar/discotecque. We immediately knew it was going to be just for a night and we’re out of there.

Day 2 – We decided it was turn to move out of Irenea’s, we could not take the smell of insecticide and the malfunctioning bathroom anymore. We opted to move to Narra, Palawan but we stopped at Viet Ville first to take pictures of the Vietnamese refugee camp. We were also hoping we could have a sumptuous Vietnamese meal once we get there. First, there were just a handful Vietnamese left in the Village since most of them already moved to the US and Canada and second, we arrived there on a Lunar New Year and the only restaurant that operates in the village is closed for the holiday.

Day 3 – I was having the time of my life exploring the beauty of Estrella Waterfalls while Warren was busy taking pictures. I wanted to take pictures too when suddenly, I just felt myself slipping on the metal footbridge, my left leg got stuck between two metal rods and I could not stand up. Warren had to push the rods with his feet to give room for me to pull my leg out. We were both shaken afterwards, I thought I fractured a bone, thank God I did not. I suffered bruises though which really worried us both because they looked really ugly.

Day 4 – We were supposed to check in at Asturia’s hotel, Warren wanted to make up for the accident I had at Estrella Waterfalls down in Narra and he thought treating me to a top class hotel would be fantastic. I thought so too. Unfortunately, the tricycle driver at the San Jose Terminal where we were dropped off recommended Dinangkalan Beach Resort and Hotel which is owned by Gen. Matillano of the CIDG. He said the place is a beachfront abundant with bird species. That information was enough to convince us to change our minds about Asturia’s.

Well, for one, the beach is not a place I would want to swim in, second, it is not a hotel, just an inn. Third, the birds were simply “tagaks” and fourth, we experienced the worst night ever – there was a power outtage that lasted the whole night, so I woke up soaked in sweat and with mosquito bites as well. Haaay…

Day 5 – People who knew me would know immediately that such inconvenience will NEVER be tolerated. At 9AM, we were ready to check out of Dinangkalan and demand for a lower rate for such terrible experience. The manager wasn’t in yet so I had to argue with a staff representative who goes by the name Sam. He was rude, unapologetic, “pilosopo” and a little stupid. I was irritated enough to raise my voice. Fortunately, Ramil, a trusted staff at the Inn arrived to intervene. Apparently, Sam, who initially refused to give us a much deserved discount, was not even supposed to sit at the front desk like he did because his job was to maintain the hotel’s utilities. He should have switched on the generator when the power went out at 2AM, but he chose not to. What a bummer.

Day Six – We were so happy to find shuttles going to San Rafael for only P70/pax. We even got the front seats. After driving around the city for a few minutes, we stopped by a house to pick up passengers. Imagine our surprise when we found out one of the passengers was a hog! Yep, a pig. It was tied on the rooftop and along the way, it rained so imagine the rainwaters flowing from the rooftop fo the van! Icky.

Everyone in town was talking about Duchess Inn, so we thought it must be a good place to stay in. Well, in fairness, it was a good one, airconditioned rooms, private and cozy. But be sure to bring your own baon because they don’t serve food unless you order in advance.

Day Seven – A whale was washed ashore, obviously the poor thing was injured when it hit shallow waters. The residents in San Rafael who discovered the mammal called for their barangay captain to take it to the wildlife conservation unit. Everyone was hopeful for the mammal since it was still alive when they found it. The poor fellows waited for like four hours and their barangay head did not arrive, the sun has completely set already when they all finally lost hope for the whale. They tried to bring it to deeper waters, to no avail.

Well, basically, these are just the unfortunate events Warren and I came across with during our Palawan trip. Of course, things are bound to happen, we’re glad that we went through some “kapalpakans” too because it has tested our patience and determination to survive in a place where we are both alien to. It was a learning experience that we will forever carry in our hearts and at the end of the day, those experiences made us realize our mortality and God’s infinite grace to both of us. We have a million things to be thankful for, indeed.

"Grace" under pressure

I have always wondered what “grace under pressure” actually meant. Now, I am beginning to understand because I am under so much pressure I am just a few ticks away to exploding and yet, marvelously, I still manage to smile and think positively. If that isn’t grace, then I wonder what that is.

But, what is grace, really?

Is it that which pertains to beauty and elegance or perfection of form?

Or is it that which pertains to the grace that is merciful, given in disposition of an authority figure that merits no exchange or favor?

Simply put, an expression of divine love.

I would have to say it is the latter.

Yup, I am being graceful under pressure…

By God’s grace…

Amen.

*First published on January 24, 2008