Looking back

The truth is, I do not know exactly where to start.

I have quite a bunch of stories to tell but I do not know which one should I tell first.

Anyway, this morning I was walking home from the market when I thought of something. Yeah, perhaps it is the best way to start this blog.

You see, my path to here and now wasn’t smooth. It was forked, had many crossroads and U-Turns that along the way I almost gave up already.

I smoked, I drank till the wee hours, I partied endlessly and although I thought I had faith in my Creator, I never once thought of nurturing that “faith”. Hence, it was always easy to fall into temptation and doing so is like second-skin. It all comes naturally, like a smooth flight and an even smoother landing… There were days I’d just wake up feeling restless and discontented and at times like that, I would simply max out my bank account or splurge what little money I have left on clothes, shoes and knick knacks. I have always thought that shopping for things I don’t really need was the cure to the emptiness I was feeling inside. I always regarded it as a balm, some type of ointment that eased the gnawing pain, well, I would have to say it is, albeit temporarily. It never really, completely healed me though. For a while I would be okay again, I would go back to partying, of course in between I never really stopped smoking and drinking, I would work and socialize with colleagues but I always made sure I had time for my night outs. I was always loyal to that part of my social life and it was something I felt I could never give up. And when things would nosedive again, I would resort to the same pattern, shop, purchase useless things and drink until I’d almost pass out in drunkenness. It was a vicious cycle. An ugly sight, yet I thought I was happy with that old self of mine.

For more than fifteen years, I was a smoker. I was in my sophomore year in high school when I was introduced to the vice. Back then I thought it was the coolest thing to do, it was also the same year I had my first drop of alcohol. Since then, I developed the habit and never really thought about quitting. I even justified my actions by saying that everyone in my family smoked, firsthand, and to stop would aggravate my chances of getting sick because I will be smoking second hand which is even more dangerous.

Of course my parents didn’t know until I turned eighteen. When everything was practically “legalized” already. I was so excited to turn eighteen then because I can finally come out in the open and Dad wouldn’t mind. Moreso when I started working. I became even bolder with my actions, I didn’t care who saw me smoking, partying and drinking.

I guess it would be easy to say that I was young and stupid. I have used that as an excuse for most of my life. Now, I am thirty one and I could not even begin to mouth the words for they sound so shallow and untrue. The truth is, I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I did it anyway, because I wanted to.

It took me sixteen years before I had the strength to kick off the habit. It wasn’t easy, but it was well worth it. The next blog post will detail my struggle to stop smoking and drinking as well as the inspiration behind it.  Meanwhile, its time for me to cook lunch…